45-28

And within 17 days, everything went a million directions.

A potential relationship, my academic career, thoughts about the future, all went in a billion pathways. I'm still trying to put the pieces together right now.

Here's the story about the potential relationship: Back in September, the seeds were laid for a potential relationship with a girl I knew steadily for the past 2 years. It was getting more and more real as the weeks passed on, and then it hit a point where I realized....holy crap I like this girl. At the same time, I had premonitions. Horrible premonitions that a relationship with a girl like her, with our creative partnership in the mix, it would lead to explosive consequences....where reality and private lives become one and the same.

And with every single week, it became more real. It became true...I was starting to find reasons in favor of instead of reasons against the pursuit. The time we spent together was magical, we were enjoying the time together. And it was feeling like it was finally going to happen.

Then I check my Facebook one morning and I almost feel like puking. She's in a relationship, with someone else. Painful.

But at least I didn't say anything about it. At least I never made the case to her. At least we're still friends, and I've discarded this phase as a silly-ass crush. But...it was so close.

The academic career is the panic point of my life right now. I need to get my act in gear with college and I'm on pins and needles. Waiting to hear about an exam grade and I'm worried that if it does come back a lot worse than I think (another F), I'm finished. The professor is possibly cutting exams from 4 to 3 which would throw everything into disarray and me into a dangerous mindstate where everything falls into chaos and I'm begging myself to live and breathe everyday.

It's moments like this when I wish my best friends weren't states away/fading out of touch/too far gone. I'll need the person to talk to when I'm standing at a bridge on a cold December afternoon, learning I failed out, I have to face my parents, everyone I ever knew and deal with the fact I spiked the people I loved with a dagger through my actions and inaction.

And it's at those dark moments where I could wish I could hug someone who would tell me everything would be alright. But those days are gone. As dead as history.

At least this Saturday is the biggest show of my life...whew.