sigh.
over the past few weeks, i've come to revisit perhaps the most painful parts of my teenage and adult years: relationships with girls.
i'm not sure why or how this keeps on coming back to haunt me, it just does. like an unhealed scab i pick and wind up poisioning myself everytime.
the point is: i have had a smattering of thoughts, about a bevy of ladies that things just didn't work out with. so bear with me, it's about to get bumpy:
- Girl #1: Jessie
- probably the one that caught me by surprised, based on how quickly it progressed. it went from "oh hey, cute girl from another state close to my age at my campsite" to "wow, this girl is cool." to "hey, i think i like her" to "hey, i really like her...but she has to leave now". I have no idea how to explain what her affect was on me, but I can start by saying that it was, in a way, the shedding of a shell and becoming just a little more confident in my skills and relating to people. Just having a person you would never expect to develop feelings for come into your life than be gone almost as soon as she arrived is both special and tragic.
- Girl #2: Ally
- a slow burn of sorts. I found her attractive in 8th grade, started to talk to her more in 9th grade, became acquaintances with her in 10th grade, and as time wore on, I guess some sparks came along in senior year of high school. After getting juxed in the back by friends and then learning who it was, you could say I was shattered into a million pieces. Then, she waltzed back into my life, we started talking, and damn, I don't remember how I wound up in her car one afternoon, but after shooting the breeze for a brief drive, we got tight. The holidays came around, and things only got better and better, and then I realized: I was in love.
I played my cards tight, still paranoid over shit and still not wanting to trust her, or anyone else at that time, and all the while, high school was winding down. Time was limited, and then came "The moment". The last dance of high school and she invited me. I was flattered... she finally recognized that I was smitten, that she meant something to me. It was magic, a short glimpse of what could've been.
The bitter ending to this came in a parking lot, during a lonely day at work. On break, picking up some candy to take my mind off shit, I saw her again, right there. Briefly shot the breeze, exchanged cell numbers and went our seperate ways.
In the end, I wanted closure, but I never got it. That tends to happen to me a lot. - Girl #3: Kristen
- A weird one, not sure if this was really heading anywhere, but I think it was friendship turning into close friendship...not sure.
- Girl #4: Ari
- The big one. The summary: I met her, talked with her, started a band with her, soon realized she was a great friend, then realized I liked her, then I realized I really liked her. I left and fucked it up, and now we don't talk to each other at all. It hurts, really it does.
In my desperation, I wish to meet someone else, someone that I can get lost with, someone that inch by inch, can erase my mistake-ridden past and make me forget I fell so hard for such a stupid woman. Someone who with every word, I can wipe my mistakes from my soul and become myself again.
I'm at a point in my life and career where I could become famous. And if I do, I have girls throwing themselves at me, girls I can't jump at and get hard. No.
For what's it worth, I believe I have a crush on this girl but not sure how to act on it. I have a 4 month plan, then 5 months, then play it off ear.
But I guess I need an eraser, someone to wipe my soul clean. Sooner or later.
