end of year post: so here's where we stand

Another year in the books here, and since I last posted, some things have changed here and there.

First of all, I'm still in college, having passed most of my classes. Most, with the exclusion of a certain course I'll elaborate on later.

Second, I'm still taking pictures, but now at a cross-roads.

Third, and most obvious, I'm still single. It became even more apparent today thanks to two related moments, slightly isolated but both triggered by each other. One of them was the long-awaited arrival of my brother's girlfriend. That of course, led to another conversation later on that day.

This time, I was the subject of it, in relation to the girl I brought over nearly 3 years ago. Ari.

I have somewhat gotten over what happened and yet, there's a gaping wound. A damn gaping wound that hurts whenever I bring her up. Like something unfinished. I'll never forget the last words..."thanks for coming". As haunting as death itself, it almost brings me to tears whenever I think about it, and how the end of our friendship could've been prevented had I actually tried and fight for it. But why, because she's content with her new BF and I have to live with it?

Yeah, I guess so. I just got sick of fighting and losing so I stopped. And it seemed to seep into other areas of my life, how I now shy away from conflict. It never made it's face known to me, until 2 weeks ago.

Failing my last course, and knowing that I needed a perfect score and a holiday miracle, I just stopped caring. Tuned out, phoned it all in, and let go, much to my parent's dismay. They thought I wasn't actually studying, but I was. Just to show I cared, even if I didn't give two shits about school, the whole process of it.

Terrible. I failed the class and the final, and now have no idea what my next move is. I want to say that after next May, I'm just going to quit college again and finally get a start on what I really love to do. Of course, I'm sure my parents would hate to deal with my bullshit while celebrating a positive at the same time, so I may have to drop out secretly. Dunno.

On those lonely nights at home, I wanted so badly to see/talk to Ari again, because I realized how badly I needed that type of person in my life again, the one person I can talk to and just feel better about myself and laugh with. I've been without that for 2 years now. It doesn't feel right. It feels like a perpetual emptiness that I've desperately tried to fill with food, photography, dreams, long car drives, loud music, sleep, and so far nothing.

I think the worst part of everything right now is that by next May, 90% of my friends will be out of college and damn near out of reach, making that (possible) do-or-die fall semester that much rougher. No one to talk to, no one to see around the way, but just a big empty void that's going to rip me apart. Unless I fill it.

I'm trying. I want this music thing to do that, so I can fill the void with wild nights, loud noise, soundchecks, traveling, random girls trying to get with me, and to politely decline my high school reunion on the basis of "I've got a show that night, sorry, I'd love to go."

Taking pictures of bands has been a double-edged sword that is giving me an out and giving me a burning itch I need to scratch in the form of a live show. Sure, I can stay inspired and alive, but damnit, taking pictures of bands only makes me want to be on the other end of that business even more. Even worse, I know I can do it, but it's never getting anywhere. Either time conflicts, or just things not going the way they should....

I'm overly aggravated over a lot of shit right now, and it's good that I put this into writing. Because I need to find out what needs to happen. As badly as I need to fill that emotional void, I need not to rush into this and mess it up all over again. I guess we'll see what happens.

end of semester blog: this time around...

hey there,

so i found myself almost abandoning this blog, and with good reason. I started it to regulate my emotions and allow myself the chance to not let everything get to me during college, so the events of 2 years ago don't repeat themselves.

It worked. Sure, there have been a few tight spots. But it is a work in progress, is it not? Much like an addict weening themselves off the drugs, I'm getting back to normal, as in, the happy, pleasant and unafraid me that was always positive.

But I need to reflect a bit. Some things have happened here and there:

• Loveless: No crush this semester. Refreshing and yet almost makes me feel lonely.
• Conclusions: The friendship is over, and while it sucks, it's for the best. We're both different people now, she's got her life, I got mine, and it's better this way, I guess.
• Tragedy: I remember 6 years ago how spooky it was when friends in a class with someone who died reflected on that empty chair, how that person would never sit in it again. This week I had that experience.
  
  To be there in my 8:30 class, sitting in silence as the class struggled with keeping composure as we talked about our dead classmate, it was bad. Like, really unnerving. I don't know what to say about it.
• Finding your calling: It seems that my comm arts degree will pay dividends. Photography's my new thing and I'm getting a lot better at it with every shoot I do/take. So proud.
• Music: Finally I got what I wanted. I'm in a band now. Doing a lot of the work, but I am so so excited for this.
• School itself: A decent semester that will probably end in one of two ways:
• 2 passing and a fail
• 3 passing, 1 close shave in the mix

so that's the semester in a nutshell.

song of the moment: thrice-deadbolt

in-between it all

red sky is playing in the background, i'm currently feeling blue and pink and red and dark all at once. so much can go wrong and so much can go right. I have no idea how to react to this.

I know that registration worked out, that rocktography is now a real thing, that i'm meeting big bands around boston, that my music career could very well be going skyward if this collab happens/i get the job for my friend's band.

I also know that college is going fine, save for Bio Concepts. if i fail, I have no idea what the plan is afterwards. I mean, the realistic exit from college again is possible. But staying is too. At least I don't have a cold-as-ice bitch in the balance that pulls me back.

Sorry, but i've reached that stage where guilt gives way to comedic hate and disgust for how stupid i was.

I also know that I'm hoping/working towards ending this year the way I started it, in Boston, doing a show. I WANT this...more than you know.

song of the moment: thrice-red sky

Possibly time to leave again....?

Eh...well, after a quick examination of what I can take for college courses, it's not looking too good. Advising tomorrow and for what's it worth, I got a good feeling that I'm probably going to walk at the end of this semester.

Not "walk" in graduation terms. But walk away from college again. The desire's dead. And the fact that next fall is essentially unavoidable has me pissed. Very much so.

So what is it this time? How do I tell them about how it's over that it's time to move on, that due to design, I can't make it out in time?

I'll have to start with dad and mom, file a gag order, tell no one else this is happening and there. I'm gone. My fault, my issues, my time to fix them.

Good thing Moody Blues are playing in the background, it's the one thing keeping me from ripping everything to fucking pieces.

song of the moment: moody blues - nights in white satin

As it Stands Now...

• feeling fine
• sleepless nights are a habit
• big things upcoming
• happy
• i may have a crush....?
• failing 1 of 3 courses. not hitting that panic alarm
  
  song of the moment: radiohead-just

2 week recap (days 8-17)

well in 2 weeks...
-i've become good at writing
-getting closer to making a huge idea happen
-failed an exam
-lost my car and house keys
-come up with new ideas
-got over things
-watch the sox go down
-forgot to update this blog

so there

day 7: bad wake up...good night

how very odd.

today when i woke up, i was not in a good mood, at all.

long day of classes, no event in boston, and to make matters worse, no Rock The Bells.

sox losing didn't help..but this did.

seeing the new family guy episode drove me to laugher-induced tears. which i almost never get nowadays. but i needed that, badly.

so with week 2 over, and no jam session (don't ask), i guess i know the ledge now. only question is, how do i back up from it?

harder than you think.

day 6: aging

it struck me during the radio club meeting that i'm the only '07 guy left at the station.

yup, i am getting older and older. next up: naps and matlock.

day 5: changes afoot

starting to see how unexiciting 6 hours between classes are. netflix doesn't even compulse me to pass the time, and i'm hungry after eating at 10AM.

debated going home and it's looking more likely. we'll see how it goes....

Days 3 & 4: Long Time Coming/Back On The Air

Day 3:

College life waiting forever for my courses is seemingly mind-numbing and lonely as all hell. No one else tends to come around and all I do is watch the people go. Netflix is fine...but I have no drive to sit through movies as of late. Wonder why.

At least I have this thing with Mike B that's happening tomorrow. that's a positive.

Day 4:
Patriots season opener after 4:30 class, but alas I'm on the air at the same time! Whatever, I can live with that.

And live I do. WDJM felt great to be on and it was fun. Making that 1.5 years of school (or less) easier to live with.

song of the moment: ras kass- H20 Proof

day 2: and it's gonna get ugly...?

well, today started out right. internet working again and was actually able to sleep in and relax my way into the day, then kicked it off with of all things, Videodrome.

enjoyable 80s flick that freaked me out and also held my attention for the entire movie.

however, this rest of the day did not go so smoothly. class was a bit dull and confusing. i find myself uninterested in it but i guess i need to finish it.

not sure what else to say about the day...it was bound to happen eventually.

song of the moment: adema- so fortunate

Day 1: And Here We Go Again

So day 1 of college is the basics of life. Already getting a feeling that small group communication may be the one course I fall head over heels for in terms of enjoyment. Starting the year with card games was a fun tension killer that I needed, and can you blame me?

Yesterday was rough. I didn't break down...but still, it's a tough transition. It's only been further reinforced by seeing more new faces, and a lot less old ones.

How very weird.

Also, 6 hours between classes...hmm, may have to realign a few courses. Change the lab to the early afternoon, no night course, but then again, free fridays are always tough to relinquish.

Sooner or later I'll have it all figured out. Edging on later.

song of the moment - Dead Angels by VAST

Conclusion and Rebirth

In a way, there is so much to speak of this summer. So much that I still am trying to get back into one solid fragment, that I can explain.

What begun with ambitions sky-high mixed with uneasy feelings wound up turning into pleasant moments juxtaposed with the feeling of change overtaking my every step, the facts are there.

Friends are leaving, I'm only getting older, and I have no more drive for the "important" but more desire for the "unimportant". If not for my lack of a job/gameplan, I would have said forget school and not be heading back to college.

But hey, it happened. So here I go, 1.5 years to plan my escape and regain my independence step by step. I have no idea why I am so froggy to jump. I will never understand why me living at home is driving me further to be completely alone and standing on my own.

I think the worst part is that my best friend heads off to the military the day before I go back to classes so I'm going to be a miserable wreck heading back to class. I hate it.

Before I go any further, I need to reflect.

OK...here goes.

In a summer of goodbyes both of the growing up and death varieties, there's the one that concludes it that really gets me. Not because it's bad, but it's more reassurance of a long trend that moves forward. Everyone's going somewhere. It's good.


Knowing full well this day was coming, I still can't believe it. But now as it nears...I get what's happening.My best friend for the longest time is growing up, becoming a man.

It's a mixed bag, I'm proud of him, but watching him leave is a bitter pill I'm still trying to swallow. 


But in all honesty, I'll always remember those golden years, playing Smackdown on PS2, Day of Reckoning, trampoline wrestling, quoting Chappelle's Show like scripture, Jimmy Jack, hanging out at your place and laughing it up, watching 24... so much man so much.


And there's the moments where we came through for each other, you being there when I quit music, when I was paranoid, when I dropped out, when my band broke up, and when you had lady problems....

All I know is that it's not the end, it's the beginning of something great. And we'll always be tight, no matter what.


Good luck in GA little buddy.

With that said, I know from experience that holes aching will be filled somehow. In lieu of the now-on hold big remix project, Mike and I are going to start jamming out Fridays next week. If this works, it may be the backdoor pilot for the project resuming.

With so many friends leaving and moving on and out of touch, I guess the next wave of freshmen will become people of interest to meet and talk to, and good to school some knowledge about how things work in college.

One last season of Big L radio to go. Have no idea what I'll do to make the final season memorable, but I'm going to line-up guests. Hoepfully.

Relationship wise, i'm not looking for love. I'm waiting it out but sooner or later, another lady will come through and sweep me off my feet.

Job wise, it'll come. But for now, gotta survive not having it and just stay real until it all gets back to being good again.

1.5 years left. Parts of me know that I'm doing everything EXCEPT academic advancement to give myself an out for it to be over in May. College will always be here, music and my dreams will not.

And hey, I'm back to rapping again. So I guess maybe every other door is closing just to show me a new one...

song of the moment(s): Aesop Rock- One of Four & No Doubt - Don't Speak

summer post: love, or why being lonely in the summer does this to me

sigh.

over the past few weeks, i've come to revisit perhaps the most painful parts of my teenage and adult years: relationships with girls.

i'm not sure why or how this keeps on coming back to haunt me, it just does. like an unhealed scab i pick and wind up poisioning myself everytime.

the point is: i have had a smattering of thoughts, about a bevy of ladies that things just didn't work out with. so bear with me, it's about to get bumpy:

• Girl #1: Jessie
• probably the one that caught me by surprised, based on how quickly it progressed. it went from "oh hey, cute girl from another state close to my age at my campsite" to "wow, this girl is cool." to "hey, i think i like her" to "hey, i really like her...but she has to leave now". I have no idea how to explain what her affect was on me, but I can start by saying that it was, in a way, the shedding of a shell and becoming just a little more confident in my skills and relating to people. Just having a person you would never expect to develop feelings for come into your life than be gone almost as soon as she arrived is both special and tragic.
• Girl #2: Ally
• a slow burn of sorts. I found her attractive in 8th grade, started to talk to her more in 9th grade, became acquaintances with her in 10th grade, and as time wore on, I guess some sparks came along in senior year of high school. After getting juxed in the back by friends and then learning who it was, you could say I was shattered into a million pieces. Then, she waltzed back into my life, we started talking, and damn, I don't remember how I wound up in her car one afternoon, but after shooting the breeze for a brief drive, we got tight. The holidays came around, and things only got better and better, and then I realized: I was in love.
  I played my cards tight, still paranoid over shit and still not wanting to trust her, or anyone else at that time, and all the while, high school was winding down. Time was limited, and then came "The moment". The last dance of high school and she invited me. I was flattered... she finally recognized that I was smitten, that she meant something to me. It was magic, a short glimpse of what could've been.
  
  The bitter ending to this came in a parking lot, during a lonely day at work. On break, picking up some candy to take my mind off shit, I saw her again, right there. Briefly shot the breeze, exchanged cell numbers and went our seperate ways.
  
  In the end, I wanted closure, but I never got it. That tends to happen to me a lot.
• Girl #3: Kristen
• A weird one, not sure if this was really heading anywhere, but I think it was friendship turning into close friendship...not sure.
  
   
• Girl #4: Ari
• The big one. The summary: I met her, talked with her, started a band with her, soon realized she was a great friend, then realized I liked her, then I realized I really liked her. I left and fucked it up, and now we don't talk to each other at all. It hurts, really it does.
  
  
  In my desperation, I wish to meet someone else, someone that I can get lost with, someone that inch by inch, can erase my mistake-ridden past and make me forget I fell so hard for such a stupid woman. Someone who with every word, I can wipe my mistakes from my soul and become myself again.
  
  I'm at a point in my life and career where I could become famous. And if I do, I have girls throwing themselves at me, girls I can't jump at and get hard. No.
  
  For what's it worth, I believe I have a crush on this girl but not sure how to act on it. I have a 4 month plan, then 5 months, then play it off ear.
  
  But I guess I need an eraser, someone to wipe my soul clean. Sooner or later.

summer installment: this sucks

absolutely gutted right now. my favorite professor made a huge mistake that's cost him his career and job at school.

it sucks. it really sucks. this is just like the Benoit murder-suicide, only no death.

the struggle to hold on

sigh.

i'm getting the vibe that this dream project i've been pushing for and planning with every fiber of my being is going south. FAST.


i've done everything asked of me and the pieces refuse to fall into place. i don't know what else i can do that won't create backlash and fracture this project into further chunks. either i play the waiting game and let interest wane, fight and persevere until something happens, or do what i do more often: say "fuck it" and let go.

i probably should sleep but i can't... it's like I need to see this through all at once, despite the lack of input from everyone.

End Of Year Post: How things happened.

How am I still alive?

Again...how am I still alive?

I can't explain how I lived to see the end of this semester academically, and yes, I am extremely scared that I am thinking this was much like a bad night of drinking that should result in death, but instead, results in waking up in a hospital bed learning someone let you live.

In other news... I think this year worked in my favor, socially. Fixed a few things, friendships are on better terms now, music career is taking off, and a few other things too that I can't recall. Not sure about next fall,but I will think about it. Time to play Super Smash Bros and celebrate life.

song of the moment: idk....really hard to encompass a thousand emotions into 1 track

wake up and realize it's ok....

i was disturbed to awaken this morning and feel a sense of complacency and peace regarding situations that i should be righteously afraid of. in my mind, i've told myself that if it ends here, it's meant to be. there's no lingering regrets, complaints, etc.

essentially, I've concluded my college business in secret and I'm ok with everything changing again. so yeah....

song of the moment: julie christmas - if you go away

i can't help but think.....

either i'm a coward for wanting to leave, a bastard for having the nerve to create issues to take away attention from my sister's biggest moment, a loser for letting things get this far, or just someone who has every human emotion attacking him at once.

that's it.

discouraging moments

last post, I was talking about registration had me all stressed out and wanting out of college. fast-forward to now, after a million other things fell apart and last night, I had an episode of sorts.

Learned that I underperformed on 2 assignments in 2 different classes, which now puts me in a serious situation of doing outstanding on the last 2 assignments respectfully to pass, and avoid failure. Meanwhile, the stress of not being able to finish my creative process class project on time has me pissed off, so mad that for the first time in forever, after classes, I took a walk around the area of campus, in the city next to the main road to somehow alleviate my foul mind-state.

It worked, till I got home. And subsequently came home drained, in a low tone, barely able to keep a coherant run of thoughts going. Then, I tried to eat dessert later on. It did work, but for some reason, I broke into tears, and just could not stop crying for minutes on end. Even when my dad came over to see me, I struggled to keep a straight-face. I somehow did, and then just shattered again when he left.

I'm scared. Because now I stand at a crossroads. Either I persevere and keep going, risking further damage... or stop everything and take some time to re-assess. Something gets lost in all this, and I hate it. I hate not being able to be open, for fear of setting off a panic alarm, not being able to finally tell my parents that I am not a student, this was not for the best, and I just need to stop, not being able to trust myself around people now.

I have two weeks. In those two weeks, I'll finish classes and go home. And from there, I have to wait and see. If I fail those two assaignments or don't get close enough with the needed points to pass, then yes, I am most likely dropping out again.

Argument to mom and dad: this isn't working, I'm sorry, I tried, but I am wasting your money, it's time to stop before it gets worse. I anticipate I'll be kicked out for this. And all I know is that I am fucked every which way, I have no recourse.

I can try to fight, and yes I will. But if i fuck up (prone to that too), well then, there will be a way to close and leave the door open when I depart, possibly for good. I can't tell anyone I'm leaving now. I have to wait, carry the weight on my own and solve my own issues, damnit.

I just hope that what I'm feeling is wrong.

song of the moment: NIN - every day is exactly the same

The Weird, Destabilizing, Parts of Life

This isn't the gameplan. 4 years ago, it was simple: go to college, work hard, exit. Not much in-between.

Well, there was a lot in-between. A lot that happened, changed things and now it's a new, somewhat fucked up but still winnable situation I'm a part of.

Watching my friends get ready to head off to college isn't as bad as one would make it out to be. However, the scary fact is...I don't care about it.

School, employment, weight, all of that shit is irrelevant to me now. It's been a change, over-due for years at a time.

I'm stunned to say this, but I know full well if I fail 1-2 classes this semester, I'm pretty much looking at a guaranteed  fall 2012 semester. Which is fine. Because I know one way or another, May 2012 is the end of college. Period, end of story.

Degree or no, I'm done. Music is consuming my life, and I feel as if I'm being pulled in that direction. Doing all that I can to get closer, and everyone's sensing it.

While I understand how badly my parents want me to do summer classes, I don't. Why? Because I run the risk of burnout, which I'm already getting close to as of late. I've taken every measure to avoid getting to what led me here.

Relationships: Dead that.  Ever since things went foul with Ari just about a year ago, I told myself I would never allow it to happen again: get to the point where I have so much love for someone, I won't fight back or fight to win them back. So in the end, FUCK LOVE.

Various other things: don't know where to start. 

OK, I do now. The failure to gain independence 4 years ago, has put me back in with my parents, and I could not find any reason to leave it, and THERE's the problem.

Too complacent to change, and yet, I can't help to fix it. Fuck.

so it's been awhile...but i need this.

well after the past 24 hours, I needed to come back to this.

here's how it breaks down: I'm wanting out again. After registration totally got fucked up, and now I can't find 2 other classes, yet I don't even want to go to summer classes, due to fear of a very real burnout. My parents believe I'm being a wimp, so I guess my worries about a very real fear are considered "wimpy".

Fuck em.

I know this, though. May 2012, it ends. Degree or not. This I swear.

song of the moment: pyramid song  - radiohead.

days 23 -29: turn the corner, realize something, forgive, and anything else.

day 23: a whole lot of waiting, some small disappointment, but a fun night was had with some friends out on the town, at Uno's to celebrate another year of growing older. A bit different this itme, but it was fun. Ryan's comedic stories helped to lift the mood and turn something ho-hum into something incredible.

day 24: recovering from the birthday weekend and getting back to reality with a strong radio show and a bit of show prep for the next day. not nervous at all, just a bit tense about doing it for 20 minutes this time. and getting there.

day 25: jebus cripes. this was insane, great reaction, not on the same level, but great, and learned that i got another show in a month, an interview, and a great road buddy. LOVE IT.

day 26: the comedown to awesome. coming back to reality and class was accommodating to that. good stuff, but still, that night makes me smile.

day 27: rough day. surprise quiz and realizing how lost I was in a course, but still kept my calm. fell asleep near my laptop again, 4th time this week...with no memory of when I went out.

day 28: learning about the IPA drove me a bit crazy, taking a quiz was even worse, taking a midterm before was worse than all of those. and yet i survived, starting to weaken too. long long day at school.

day 29: the collapse. had to cut my radio show short, felt sick, came home, barely able to sleep, called out of school the next day. craziness.

song of this incoherent rant: a perfect circle - the nurse who loved me

days 20, 21, 22: with age comes...

i'm at this point in my life where I'm taking over shit in terms of responsibility. blame, duties, tasks, etc. it does feel like i'm growing up, accepting my wildin' out days are over.

which is both good and bad. bad because my career is pretty much dead in the water. no way to represent live in the best way because of a shitload of factors:

• all my preferred personnel are out of state, out of reach, or in different fields
• the people i know probably won't buy my ideas
• my community isn't a breeding ground

it's depressing. but what else can you do? hope? fight? give up?

in other news: the sense of academic pressure is rising. and I have yet to crack. or maybe i have and i just don't know it  yet.

birthday party friday night. looking good, even if my best friend ain't coming. it's so fucked up... one of my last 2 best friends out there heads out in May for the military... Greg's the last guy, and it's fine... just that for what it is, i've been unfortunate to lose my tight homies via fucked up situations.


observe:

• Mike: My first, and longest best bud, up till high school, when we started to drift away from each other. He had his issues, but the sense of 15+ years of loyalty was believed to be unbreakable. And then I learned the truth: all the good things about my music was simply bullshit. He was talking shit behind my back, thinking I wouldn't find out... and then I did. To this day, I haven't stood up to him and told him I knew. I let it slide, because a war with my best friend is NEVER what I want.
• Ally/Alex: Coming into the picture and being that angel, I've said my piece on her. Hate it...but we did fix things. Better.
• Ari: It came at the worst time, and it came from the person I trusted the most with my friendship. The bitch lied....

Oh my God. I finally said it. There is no turning back now I guess.

song of the moment: mobb deep - shook ones

days 18 & 19: reach exceeds grasp

it truly felt like today was the effective death and funeral to shit pertaining to my life today. i haven't been all the way straight for all of today and most of last night.

there's so much to say....so why not start with some keywords?

march 1st show may be small scale, crazy ideas got shot down, so much pressure to deal with, and oh yeah.... any chance I have of restarting/starting a band may be dead entirely.

i forget when it hit me. but today, i was extremely foggy minded.unable to get in step.... just like in 2007. and it just felt like everything i've done to save myself was exposed, and the worst part of it all....

I can't say shit. Not one word, otherwise, here comes the panic sirens, and here comes the concern, and here comes all the distractions. Have to work through this. And learn that I am alone perpetually until further notice.

FUCK.

song of the day: nin - with teeth

day 17: in my own time, growing up never seemed like a strange concept to grasp...

but i get to this point of adavancing, and flinching when I see what I'm glancing
talking to friends, hearing about how they got the jobs and interships, apartments
little do i care about falling behind, but now i'm starting to pay it some mind
i'm somewhat stuck in my childhood, the awkward years of teen emotions
got me twisted at times, confused in comotions
not a sense of jealously, because green doesn't work as pigment
instead, it was parential-instilled intent
ever since i left for college, i've had to acknowledge I'm on my own
and that attitude got me a ticket back to my home

so if there's a need to switch things around... i'm right here waiting to be found

day 16: push it to the limit....LIMIT!

well, if today wasn't a day of pushing things to the breaking point, i don't know what is.

first off, thanks to an infection in my leg (great big pus buildup on the thigh), i lost about 3-4 hours of sleep. bad.
second, i was coming off a cluttered weekend mentally, and did not start off on the right foot. however, the pus bump drained, so that helped, and i managed to get to the parking lot on time. better..

next up, the poster i posted for my upcoming show got overnight rave reviews. VERY NOICE.

third, i had fun at school today. guess it is all coming together.

and...i wasn't bitter on V-Day. w00t.

song of the moment: push it to the limit

day 15: the city wants you gone

friday after class, i came home to a lull, almost depressed feeling. with 2 weeks till 23, i'm starting to see just how much needs to change, yet how much do i feel should be changed?

i know that my dad's constant fears of my weight-gain is one. maybe my habit of "leaving things unfinished" is too, or maybe my unthinking method of not caring about problems, pushing shit to the side.

it's hard to discuss. at some points I wonder if all those years of an average teenage life should've been exchanged for awkwardness, instead of the awkward adulthood that has you second-guessing every move, knowing full well that a fuck up here will not get fixed completely, and there are only so many broken pieces needing to be fixed before the repair shop runs out of spare parts.

shhhheeet. i may have said too much here.

song of the moment: el-p - blood

day 14: can it be the shoes?

well, if there wasn't any more evidence of how badly i want this reunion/reboot to happen, i spent my class time thinking and dreaming of a picture for a single.

holy dogcrap. i am so over my head.

oh yeah, class was what it was. and i think this girl likes me. not sure... not wanting to jump head-first but i will play it safe for the next few days and weeks.

oh, btw, CONGRATS TO RAY ALLEN!

song of the moment: portishead- over instrumental

days 12 & 13: please don't leave me to remain in the waiting room

past 2 days have been mildly stable and worked out pretty darn well for me. got a new song i'm working on called "little words", really giving this "Restart the band" thing some thought, and putting some things in action.

finally leaving this waiting room. everybody's movin', movin', movin', movin'!

song of the moment: fugazi- waiting room

day 11: frozen

a static holding point right now. no moves to be made, no need to dash out and do something drastic. just hold steady for a few, and figure out the next move.

it's as simple as that. now, on to the next set of things.... creative projects, birthdays, and hopefully getting matters straight.

here' s hoping...

song of the moment: fugazi- waiting room

days 9 & 10: destroy, and rebuild?

ok, so with the recent snow-outs, the blog posts weren't necessary, as I only write on school days. there, you happy?

aight then. so with this behind me, I've been playing around with this idea for the past few days. what if I got my band back together?

sure, there won't be a full reunion. i'd rather a partial core member retention instead, right now, i'm drafting the possible replacements for the holes and also, deleting roles that won't work in the new lineup. as it stands, it breaks down to drums, bass, keys, guitar, vocals. everyone else will be guests.

and if you can guess... it's about my band in high school.

oh, school? yeah, school.... slowly ramping up in difficulty. handling it though.

21 days till 23, and this time.... I almost feel like doing....nothing? Weird, so very weird. I'll have it all figured out. Soon enough.

song of the moment: public enemy - black steel in the hour of chaos

days 7 & 8: oh the horror...the horror

I guess things are gradually improving around school as of late. Joining Random Jam may be step 1 in execution of  "pie-in-sky-scheme", with a target realization date of Q3 2011.

oh no, I seem to be thinking long term again. gotta stop that.

after watching Apocalypse Now, the world feels different, like, unfamilar in some parts. If this is what you intended Coppolla.... you crazy man, I salute you.

hoping all goes thru and the next live show is not too far away. already starting to incorporate movie themes into my set (candyman and godfather, deer hunter possible).... and dreaming of transitions. now trying to figure out.... can i be the triple-threat of hip-hop, producer, MC, DJ.... in 1 set?

oh lord, the mind, it boggles!

song of the moment: bird's eye -serj and mike patton

day 6: t.o.ma (top of MA)

hmmm...yesterday was a day that started slow and low...but progressed into greatness. 2 classes became 1 thanks to snow, managed to meet some new people, had some fun with frineds, got supplies, and relaxed.

win? i thought so.

song of the moment: c-n-n - t.o.n.y (top of N.Y.)

day 5: good enough

driving home from school in a flurry today gave me some time to think. and i've come to this:

for the first time in what seemed to be forever, i was fine with everything. and yet, i may feel as if i need more.

weird huh?

song of the moment: gang starr- f.a.l.a.

days 3 & 4: sittin' on chrome

missed yesterday. my bad, but let's get to a recap.

the first monday of the semester, also meaning first radio show of semester too. now with almost 11 hours on campus (!)

oh how i wish my home was 10 minutes closer. would make this whole thing easier, and also avoid parasitic tendancies, which i hate in myself. oh so much...


the upsides of yeseterday: my two classes were fun and engaging. watching the Prisoner is awesome. now I want to see the remaining 16 episodes. damn UK sure knows how to make good TV, by stopping at the top, not letting things fall.

and now, on to today. oh today.

late start, but STILL pulled into FSU on time. either i'm speeding or extremely underestimating my skills.and i'll slide with option 2.

so today, i was struggling to finish the first verse to this new track called "Decapitated Kingz"...based off some picture I saw last week, the line about kings and crowns set things in motion. don't know if it will be about being famous, what divides man, or some other stuff. tonight, i'll figure it out....between 2 papers.

hardy har har.
song of the moment: 50 cent- how to rob

Day 2: Near-Disaster Experience

Snow falls, cars nearly crash (2 times), and my iPod can't take the cold. But you know what, life is good right now. School was hectic but my professor made any regret of coming nothing, which is great. Got to appreciate that.

Now on to other things.... giving some serious thought to talking to my friend Dan about opening for his band for a few shows. It's not the opening gig I'm locked in thought about... it's which version of MC Larny shows up.

Either my newfound DJ side does a few shows, or I take the mic, or I mix the two of them, MC and DJ, split the shows into acts, per se. That's actually a fly idea. Not sure how someone will DJ for me when I have to get on the mic, but it'll work, somehow.

Essentially, I've accepted this band will NOT happen soon enough for my liking. Need to re-analyze my approach and come with a different strategy. Here's what I've come up with:

• Tag Team: 1 on the mic, 1 on the drums
• Small Core: 2-3 core members, fluid membership
• Full-out: 5-6 piece, stable membership
• NIN Style: 1 person, fluid membership
• 1 Man Show: Self-explainitory

It'll take some time. Sucks that all my "go-to" people are moving out of reach..... but you know what man?

Life's a bitch.


Song of the day: Nas- Life's A Bitch

Day 1: Remember that time...

when I said how it felt like there was a divide? well, i guess it's back. where is everybody?!

ahem, today, for day 1...was fine. 2 classes, one more boring than the other. lonely lunch, most of my friends were not around at the time, and i fear this will only continue... oh well.

song of the day: soundgarden - pretty noose

Prelude to Book II: Spring Semester

Howdy,

Seems to have been well over a month since I posted here, so might as well get back into the habit of doing this.

Tomorrow's the first day of classes, and I am acting like it means nothing. Because for once, it does. Either the past few years of mistakes, misfires and other unfortunate misgivings have made me so emotionally cold, I've grown to not care.

Well, the sole exclusion is music, which I wish I had the heart to tell my parents my intentions post-college, that I'm only doing this as a backup plan, to bide time for a real gameplan to form.

Simple enough: get a job that pays, pursuit of dream, do it again and again till something changes (for the better). Getting a job in the industry I'm studying in is well....impossible. Waiting it out ain't an option either. I know what I want, it's a matter of getting the guts to say it.

Relationship wise: I ain't about to run on that. I got myself in a place where I'm alone, and I'm fine. Don't need your love anymore.

Heartless? Yes. Needed to prevent the mistakes from happening? Yes.

Setting some goals for this semester that are NOT academic, so you know, I have something to come home to:

1. 
   Start this band. I've been saying it for months now. Execution comes to now.
2. Get back in the studio. See above. Too much material waiting.
3. Do any of the following:
1. More shows
2. More concerts (as a fan)
3. Figure out my future with this camera.

It's a matter of progression. Lots of moves to make, no time for second-guessing. Here...we...go.

Song of the moment: Soundgarden - Fell on Black Days