You can only take so much before you start cracking under the weight of it.
Precisely what happened over the past 2-3 weeks.
So let's start with the lightweight shit. Specifically some bitch I had the hots for and I was nothing but nice to her, and I didn't say much to her online, just a comment or a like, and that was it.
Well, apparently I may have set off a nerve. She blocked me out of the blue, and I was stunned. No warning. Just...boom.
And there I was thinking that "hey I met someone I like and she's cute and mature and likes the same stuff I do..." Welp I got fucked.
Next up: 3 days later I wind up going to a show and feeling lonely because I invited my friends and they didn't go. Eventually it was moot because my high school friends showed up instead, but I was vexxed and I almost lost it, texted my friend Mike and went off. I knew it was bad but I felt like I needed to take a bite and speak on it.
And then things get worse. My laptop decides to break on me, screwing up my music projects, and of course other things. So I can't make music until it's fixed but I don't have enough money to buy a new laptop or parts.
Long-term work stoppage.
And then it culminated. A friend from high school passed away, no warning, just gone.
I found out during Deafheaven, and I was out of it for the rest of the night. I should have cried, I should have been open but I didn't/ I just kept it closed and reacted in silence.
So now I can't make music, edit photos, or play video games, and I have a job that barely pays the bills. I'm considering fucking leaving the job because I can't do it anymore and it's not economically sensible to pay 10.20 in transporation fees for less than 8 hours of work and 3 hours of commuting.
I could just leave, continue to pull away from the world and head into December with a darkness not seen in 3 years or figure something out. I'd like answers. And now.
