days 20, 21, 22: with age comes...

i'm at this point in my life where I'm taking over shit in terms of responsibility. blame, duties, tasks, etc. it does feel like i'm growing up, accepting my wildin' out days are over.

which is both good and bad. bad because my career is pretty much dead in the water. no way to represent live in the best way because of a shitload of factors:

• all my preferred personnel are out of state, out of reach, or in different fields
• the people i know probably won't buy my ideas
• my community isn't a breeding ground

it's depressing. but what else can you do? hope? fight? give up?

in other news: the sense of academic pressure is rising. and I have yet to crack. or maybe i have and i just don't know it  yet.

birthday party friday night. looking good, even if my best friend ain't coming. it's so fucked up... one of my last 2 best friends out there heads out in May for the military... Greg's the last guy, and it's fine... just that for what it is, i've been unfortunate to lose my tight homies via fucked up situations.


observe:

• Mike: My first, and longest best bud, up till high school, when we started to drift away from each other. He had his issues, but the sense of 15+ years of loyalty was believed to be unbreakable. And then I learned the truth: all the good things about my music was simply bullshit. He was talking shit behind my back, thinking I wouldn't find out... and then I did. To this day, I haven't stood up to him and told him I knew. I let it slide, because a war with my best friend is NEVER what I want.
• Ally/Alex: Coming into the picture and being that angel, I've said my piece on her. Hate it...but we did fix things. Better.
• Ari: It came at the worst time, and it came from the person I trusted the most with my friendship. The bitch lied....

Oh my God. I finally said it. There is no turning back now I guess.

song of the moment: mobb deep - shook ones

days 18 & 19: reach exceeds grasp

it truly felt like today was the effective death and funeral to shit pertaining to my life today. i haven't been all the way straight for all of today and most of last night.

there's so much to say....so why not start with some keywords?

march 1st show may be small scale, crazy ideas got shot down, so much pressure to deal with, and oh yeah.... any chance I have of restarting/starting a band may be dead entirely.

i forget when it hit me. but today, i was extremely foggy minded.unable to get in step.... just like in 2007. and it just felt like everything i've done to save myself was exposed, and the worst part of it all....

I can't say shit. Not one word, otherwise, here comes the panic sirens, and here comes the concern, and here comes all the distractions. Have to work through this. And learn that I am alone perpetually until further notice.

FUCK.

song of the day: nin - with teeth

day 17: in my own time, growing up never seemed like a strange concept to grasp...

but i get to this point of adavancing, and flinching when I see what I'm glancing
talking to friends, hearing about how they got the jobs and interships, apartments
little do i care about falling behind, but now i'm starting to pay it some mind
i'm somewhat stuck in my childhood, the awkward years of teen emotions
got me twisted at times, confused in comotions
not a sense of jealously, because green doesn't work as pigment
instead, it was parential-instilled intent
ever since i left for college, i've had to acknowledge I'm on my own
and that attitude got me a ticket back to my home

so if there's a need to switch things around... i'm right here waiting to be found

day 16: push it to the limit....LIMIT!

well, if today wasn't a day of pushing things to the breaking point, i don't know what is.

first off, thanks to an infection in my leg (great big pus buildup on the thigh), i lost about 3-4 hours of sleep. bad.
second, i was coming off a cluttered weekend mentally, and did not start off on the right foot. however, the pus bump drained, so that helped, and i managed to get to the parking lot on time. better..

next up, the poster i posted for my upcoming show got overnight rave reviews. VERY NOICE.

third, i had fun at school today. guess it is all coming together.

and...i wasn't bitter on V-Day. w00t.

song of the moment: push it to the limit

day 15: the city wants you gone

friday after class, i came home to a lull, almost depressed feeling. with 2 weeks till 23, i'm starting to see just how much needs to change, yet how much do i feel should be changed?

i know that my dad's constant fears of my weight-gain is one. maybe my habit of "leaving things unfinished" is too, or maybe my unthinking method of not caring about problems, pushing shit to the side.

it's hard to discuss. at some points I wonder if all those years of an average teenage life should've been exchanged for awkwardness, instead of the awkward adulthood that has you second-guessing every move, knowing full well that a fuck up here will not get fixed completely, and there are only so many broken pieces needing to be fixed before the repair shop runs out of spare parts.

shhhheeet. i may have said too much here.

song of the moment: el-p - blood

day 14: can it be the shoes?

well, if there wasn't any more evidence of how badly i want this reunion/reboot to happen, i spent my class time thinking and dreaming of a picture for a single.

holy dogcrap. i am so over my head.

oh yeah, class was what it was. and i think this girl likes me. not sure... not wanting to jump head-first but i will play it safe for the next few days and weeks.

oh, btw, CONGRATS TO RAY ALLEN!

song of the moment: portishead- over instrumental

days 12 & 13: please don't leave me to remain in the waiting room

past 2 days have been mildly stable and worked out pretty darn well for me. got a new song i'm working on called "little words", really giving this "Restart the band" thing some thought, and putting some things in action.

finally leaving this waiting room. everybody's movin', movin', movin', movin'!

song of the moment: fugazi- waiting room

day 11: frozen

a static holding point right now. no moves to be made, no need to dash out and do something drastic. just hold steady for a few, and figure out the next move.

it's as simple as that. now, on to the next set of things.... creative projects, birthdays, and hopefully getting matters straight.

here' s hoping...

song of the moment: fugazi- waiting room

days 9 & 10: destroy, and rebuild?

ok, so with the recent snow-outs, the blog posts weren't necessary, as I only write on school days. there, you happy?

aight then. so with this behind me, I've been playing around with this idea for the past few days. what if I got my band back together?

sure, there won't be a full reunion. i'd rather a partial core member retention instead, right now, i'm drafting the possible replacements for the holes and also, deleting roles that won't work in the new lineup. as it stands, it breaks down to drums, bass, keys, guitar, vocals. everyone else will be guests.

and if you can guess... it's about my band in high school.

oh, school? yeah, school.... slowly ramping up in difficulty. handling it though.

21 days till 23, and this time.... I almost feel like doing....nothing? Weird, so very weird. I'll have it all figured out. Soon enough.

song of the moment: public enemy - black steel in the hour of chaos