A conversation with a co-worker last week brought me back. But not in a good way.
We chatted about relationships. Primarily about hers and how she quickly rebounded from a 3 year one into a new one and dropped her ex like a sack. And she asked me "are you in a relationship?" ... I told her no.
I then said that I had never been in one. Laughter intensifies. And she remarked "seriously?!"
I told her I had my chances. And that started a downward spiral.
I remembered the last two times. And then I drew upon my attempt with Emma.
I felt some regrets over dropping the idea of a relationship, because of our age gap (20 vs 26) and our life experience gap (going to college vs being fresh out of college). I thought about how awkward it was for me to talk about it with friends and family, how the opposition to it would have been immense and drove us apart. I realized that in the end I became every guy I hated in college, the older off-campus BF who only rolls in on weekends dating a girl younger than his sister.
I felt bad but then again I felt I did the right thing, to remain friends.
I came home that night and reflected on the bridges I've burned. I thought about Ari again and it only confirmed the obvious: she's gone forever.
So I thought about it, do I need to fall in love to feel complete? Do I need someone else?
I realized I'm better off single for now, because I have no need to worry about someone else that way. And I'm not there yet. I'm 26 and going nowhere right now professionally so why bog people down with that? Are we that so insecure about being alone that it's a point of humilation for not being in a relationship well into your adult years?
While I'm on that note, I'm also finding it really really hard to start a band now. Just had to respectfully dissolve a partnership because we both had different styles of working and we just weren't clicking. It was either make it work and just remain that way or change it, take it to someone else with your knowledge of music and what works and what doesn't work live and do it better.
I'm getting worried. I have no time for music, video games, photography and working 30 hours and save for sacrificing sleep, I don't know what else to do.
Debating making a change and doing open mics by myself and building a network on my own to get this band started. Going against my words.
