- Broken heart
- Fading ambition
- Fruitless search for musical expansion
- Inability to focus
- Regression from being ambitious to becoming unwilling to do much
- Transition into social reclusiveness
- Strained family relations
- Loss of confidence and pride
- Loss of drive
- Defeatist mentality
I know there's more, but that's the gist of it. It sucks. Going back to a place I hate. Here goes the first step.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Damage Inventory
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Helpless Viewer Of Something Beautiful
There I was, in my car. Sipping a 2.69 shake, in the park, near 80 degrees, and there was a sight that just broke me down to tears.
A kid playing ball with his dad. Watching the spectacle after all that has faded out of my life and will over the next weekend, just brought me to the zenith of emotions. For a minute, I lost myself and had a Holden Caulfield moment. Where despite the control of one's life is gone or is on the way out, there was something joyous that resonates on the surface.
Does it go any deeper? I don't know. It may or may not.
All I know is this: I'm going downward. This band is not working. I'm hoping for a job. Holding out to finally get out there musically but in a town that has a lack of artists and people that would be ideal for something, it seems to fade out. Maybe this will all culminate with retirement.
Did I really say that? I hope it's not true. Because I can't deal with that.
A kid playing ball with his dad. Watching the spectacle after all that has faded out of my life and will over the next weekend, just brought me to the zenith of emotions. For a minute, I lost myself and had a Holden Caulfield moment. Where despite the control of one's life is gone or is on the way out, there was something joyous that resonates on the surface.
Does it go any deeper? I don't know. It may or may not.
All I know is this: I'm going downward. This band is not working. I'm hoping for a job. Holding out to finally get out there musically but in a town that has a lack of artists and people that would be ideal for something, it seems to fade out. Maybe this will all culminate with retirement.
Did I really say that? I hope it's not true. Because I can't deal with that.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Exit Music (For A Life)
Listening to Radiohead's Exit Music, and for some reason, I keep on visioning this closing montage of moments and people set to this song.
It would start with a voice over, me talking about how "things happen, you never expect them to, but they do. the real issue is how do you handle it? do you take it on head first, or break down and call for help? bottle it and drink until it makes you sick, or spill it over constantly.
As this is going on, the character's main friends all are seen doing something monumental. One is graduating, the other is boarding a plane, the other is driving to a show, and the main character is typing it out. As the first half of the song continues, everyone has their preparation, and the main character starts to break down, quietly.
As the song ends, the final shot of the character is sitting despondent. Not ready to give up, but ready to walk away from the life he once knew. And that's how I feel right now. Ready to walk from every single thing I knew, just to become a shell of my once proud self, comfortable in the numbness.
Eventually I'll crack, but I don't want to. I'd rather live like a zombie, disconnected from most, not feeling anything for anyone unless it overwhelms me. Too many years of caring without return, lending from the moral bank and not receiving a return on my investment.
We all go bankrupt. I've just been lucky enough to emerge from Chapter 11 restructured.
It would start with a voice over, me talking about how "things happen, you never expect them to, but they do. the real issue is how do you handle it? do you take it on head first, or break down and call for help? bottle it and drink until it makes you sick, or spill it over constantly.
As this is going on, the character's main friends all are seen doing something monumental. One is graduating, the other is boarding a plane, the other is driving to a show, and the main character is typing it out. As the first half of the song continues, everyone has their preparation, and the main character starts to break down, quietly.
As the song ends, the final shot of the character is sitting despondent. Not ready to give up, but ready to walk away from the life he once knew. And that's how I feel right now. Ready to walk from every single thing I knew, just to become a shell of my once proud self, comfortable in the numbness.
Eventually I'll crack, but I don't want to. I'd rather live like a zombie, disconnected from most, not feeling anything for anyone unless it overwhelms me. Too many years of caring without return, lending from the moral bank and not receiving a return on my investment.
We all go bankrupt. I've just been lucky enough to emerge from Chapter 11 restructured.
Friday, May 3, 2013
5 months in my kicks
December 2012: Introduction
So here I was, the last 20 or so days of my college career. Capping off what was the end with a whirlwind of activity, filming and editing video of a concert, shooting pictures, and just putting work in for the last few days of college.
It was going fine for the most part. The 19th, the last night was a night where it all started making sense. The dream comeback was coming to an end. I was finally going to get out of there and finally start my life for once.
The 20th was a calm and relaxing intro at first. Drive to school, walk up the hill, get into the cafeteria, breathe for a few, and calm myself into prep. It was easy. 25 questions. One chapter, all multiple choice. The difference between it all was that. Nothing more, nothing less.
I see it all and think, I got this. I finish, double check, triple check, hand it in, and thank my professor, as if it's over, for real this time.
Walking by the campus for a few minutes and paying one last visit to the radio station I made my home at for the bulk of my college time to pick up some things, to realize it was all over. I was done. It was time to enjoy Christmas and believe that better days were starting. And for a glorious few hours, it felt like that. Being in the mall, blissfully in the moment of being done, and enjoying all the holiday commercialism, it felt like magic, it really did.
I pull into the parking lot, gifts in tow, and walk into my house, saying how happy I was to be done. And then I thought, let's check to make sure I passed my other class, just to make sure.
And I did. But then, it went wrong, terribly wrong.
I got an F. Meaning there would be no graduations, no parties, nothing. I thought this must be a mistake. It wasn't. I was 1 point away from being there, from passing the final and passing the class. I didn't get it...
What happened was immediate. I fell into a state of shock, where I blew it off like, huh, it's like that. I told my mom first, and then I gradually came to grasp it all...painfully and in tears. Waking up the next morning, I was shell-shocked. Like all the support of friends and family, and I let them down...I was beyond upset.
We tried everything. Nothing except do it over again. Wait till next year, 2014 to walk.
I fell into a depression. Almost without warning, it just happened. All the desire to live vanished and I became what I am today. But there's a path to this all...and I need to guide you through it.
January 2013: First Month
A new year, a bit of a recovery but on the shaky ground of unusual territory. Planning a few performances as if nothing had happened at all. Thus begun the balancing act, the deception and the reality. One everyone knows, one no one knows.
Those two shows were fun, but I think the second show was the moment where my illusion started to flicker.
It was just me, no one else to back me up. Only a few familiar faces on a show bill that didn't fit who I was. I'm only there because my friends offered me the show, perhaps as a sign of friendship. The crowd was dead, no reaction, like just a horrible feeling started to drown me, as I went deeper and deeper. I stuck to my guns, my setlist, didn't change a thing, but I was staring into a sea of strangers who came for acoustic acts and my friends, not for me. My friends arrived afterwards, but that's not the meat of it.
It was crippling to come off the stage and NOT feel good about it. That ate at me weeks later when I thought deep about that night, the lonely feelings and all that. But there was more to it.
I hadn't seen her since December. Her being my good friend, Meghan. It was the first time I saw her since my downfall...and I was nervous, she was the first person I told openly about my problems in college. The first I told about how I was going to drop out again. She understood, and I knew she would.
So with that noted, there was a moment when I was walking back to the T station on my way home, and the last goodbyes at the time, just left me cold. It was haunting, and it ate me up inside.
I knew all too well that I broke all my rules without trying. But it just happened.
In the meanwhile, I rebuffed all of the requests to go back this semester, because unbeknownst to my parents, my demons returned. I was already set on my path and on my way to living the life of someone who never got to where he hoped he'd be. They wanted me to go back now, do it all over again.
And then the low attempts started. All the doom setting, all the guilt trips, everything they threw at me that month to go back, just made me hate myself even more, and made it so hard to get back up again.
I was so close, so close to finally letting loose, telling my parents exactly how I thought. Not biting my tongue and just being, real with them. It was too close, to where I nearly lost control.
I was lonely, away from friends, broke, by myself all the time, and watching my life pass by. It was pain. And it was only going to get worse, it looked like.
Februrary: Under The Spell and Screaming
Month 2 started with me at a low point, fading out of society and family more and more. No church, going out reduced to almost once a month, no money coming in, just sitting at home, doing the same old stuff. Pretty much it was the deepening of the hole. Once I started to get out of the hole, I fell back in with ease, and with disturbing casualness like it was normal.
But one night I got out and did something. I went to a show, met some people, and started an idea. That I will explain later.
Turning 25 without my friends around sucked. Everyone I cared about moved out. My collaborators are scattered and tied up with other projects, I had no one else to work with. So I started trying to articulate my feelings with lyrics and ideas that were probably going to fall face flat. I didn't care. I needed a reason, to keep me away from making the choice to end it all.
I admit, I had thoughts, in passing to end it all. After being told I couldn't get back to school and also I was dropped out via paperwork technicalities, I stopped caring. Just another lie to tell I thought. But there were moments where I asked myself what would happen if I didn't exist.
It wasn't fair. Seeing friends succeed like crazy. And I, the one who was there for everyone, instead...was out in the cold. Watching on the outside.
The birthday, the cake, all came and went. Feeling a little better, but still with demons that were long reigning inside of me.
March 2013: Movement
March wasn't a bad month. March was good for the most part. The end of the downward spiral seemingly arrived and I was finally getting somewhere with all of this. Music gradually opened doors again. I hung out with friends more, and finally felt better about myself.
Jobs were tough to find. Really tough. But I was getting some moments here and there. My perception of myself began to shape up a lot more, and I was feeling a bit more OK with all that happened.
It felt like I was going to be normal again, it really did.
April 2013: The End of Illusions
It was at this point where I finally surveyed the damage committed to my soul and psyche during these few months and I saw something terrible. I realized that I had derailed a ton of things on account of my depression, and in a way, reset my life to zero.
I had dreams of doing shows, open mics, getting an interview show on YouTube going, and just keeping it moving...but it all stopped. Dead in it's tracks.
Having to hit the reset switch twice in 2 years really got to me. And at 25, doing that, it makes it worse.
I was back to that place, albeit in a shallow area and trying not to tear my hair out from anger.
I kept on looking at where I was a year ago and where I was at the moment. It drove me nuts. Incredible...how does one lose it all in the space of one year.
Things start to stall with this project I try to get going. No communication for weeks at a time...it's like a joke, which I hope is my assumption.
It was then, that I broke down, I realized how unsustainable my lifestyle was. How I became the damn thing I hated: the hometown bum who can't leave, and can't be who he wants.
The illusion faded. No more tight-rope act.
May 2013: Kick To The Nuts
So here I am, writing this, falling into the abyss. Friends are leaving, projects are dying or on the verge, I'm probably not going to live my dreams as a music person, and I'm going to lose. It hurts... I wish it would stop.
Gave up on God, and quit lying to people. They want me to come back but I'm done. So many times I can call holy 911 and hear silence and fake reassurance before I stop caring.
May 18th, 19th and 20th is the reset. Start over, and have to endure the pain of not graduating till 2014...all because of one point. ONE POINT. Without the friends, without the motivation, just the hate and despair to make me believe.
I hate this. I really do.
There's a reason for all of this. I wrote to explain what has happened to me, how I became a recluse. And how it's no longer easy for me to be who I was, how at 25, with nothing, I have to deal with it, no more illusions, just a reality.
So here I was, the last 20 or so days of my college career. Capping off what was the end with a whirlwind of activity, filming and editing video of a concert, shooting pictures, and just putting work in for the last few days of college.
It was going fine for the most part. The 19th, the last night was a night where it all started making sense. The dream comeback was coming to an end. I was finally going to get out of there and finally start my life for once.
The 20th was a calm and relaxing intro at first. Drive to school, walk up the hill, get into the cafeteria, breathe for a few, and calm myself into prep. It was easy. 25 questions. One chapter, all multiple choice. The difference between it all was that. Nothing more, nothing less.
I see it all and think, I got this. I finish, double check, triple check, hand it in, and thank my professor, as if it's over, for real this time.
Walking by the campus for a few minutes and paying one last visit to the radio station I made my home at for the bulk of my college time to pick up some things, to realize it was all over. I was done. It was time to enjoy Christmas and believe that better days were starting. And for a glorious few hours, it felt like that. Being in the mall, blissfully in the moment of being done, and enjoying all the holiday commercialism, it felt like magic, it really did.
I pull into the parking lot, gifts in tow, and walk into my house, saying how happy I was to be done. And then I thought, let's check to make sure I passed my other class, just to make sure.
And I did. But then, it went wrong, terribly wrong.
I got an F. Meaning there would be no graduations, no parties, nothing. I thought this must be a mistake. It wasn't. I was 1 point away from being there, from passing the final and passing the class. I didn't get it...
What happened was immediate. I fell into a state of shock, where I blew it off like, huh, it's like that. I told my mom first, and then I gradually came to grasp it all...painfully and in tears. Waking up the next morning, I was shell-shocked. Like all the support of friends and family, and I let them down...I was beyond upset.
We tried everything. Nothing except do it over again. Wait till next year, 2014 to walk.
I fell into a depression. Almost without warning, it just happened. All the desire to live vanished and I became what I am today. But there's a path to this all...and I need to guide you through it.
January 2013: First Month
A new year, a bit of a recovery but on the shaky ground of unusual territory. Planning a few performances as if nothing had happened at all. Thus begun the balancing act, the deception and the reality. One everyone knows, one no one knows.
Those two shows were fun, but I think the second show was the moment where my illusion started to flicker.
It was just me, no one else to back me up. Only a few familiar faces on a show bill that didn't fit who I was. I'm only there because my friends offered me the show, perhaps as a sign of friendship. The crowd was dead, no reaction, like just a horrible feeling started to drown me, as I went deeper and deeper. I stuck to my guns, my setlist, didn't change a thing, but I was staring into a sea of strangers who came for acoustic acts and my friends, not for me. My friends arrived afterwards, but that's not the meat of it.
It was crippling to come off the stage and NOT feel good about it. That ate at me weeks later when I thought deep about that night, the lonely feelings and all that. But there was more to it.
I hadn't seen her since December. Her being my good friend, Meghan. It was the first time I saw her since my downfall...and I was nervous, she was the first person I told openly about my problems in college. The first I told about how I was going to drop out again. She understood, and I knew she would.
So with that noted, there was a moment when I was walking back to the T station on my way home, and the last goodbyes at the time, just left me cold. It was haunting, and it ate me up inside.
I knew all too well that I broke all my rules without trying. But it just happened.
In the meanwhile, I rebuffed all of the requests to go back this semester, because unbeknownst to my parents, my demons returned. I was already set on my path and on my way to living the life of someone who never got to where he hoped he'd be. They wanted me to go back now, do it all over again.
And then the low attempts started. All the doom setting, all the guilt trips, everything they threw at me that month to go back, just made me hate myself even more, and made it so hard to get back up again.
I was so close, so close to finally letting loose, telling my parents exactly how I thought. Not biting my tongue and just being, real with them. It was too close, to where I nearly lost control.
I was lonely, away from friends, broke, by myself all the time, and watching my life pass by. It was pain. And it was only going to get worse, it looked like.
Februrary: Under The Spell and Screaming
Month 2 started with me at a low point, fading out of society and family more and more. No church, going out reduced to almost once a month, no money coming in, just sitting at home, doing the same old stuff. Pretty much it was the deepening of the hole. Once I started to get out of the hole, I fell back in with ease, and with disturbing casualness like it was normal.
But one night I got out and did something. I went to a show, met some people, and started an idea. That I will explain later.
Turning 25 without my friends around sucked. Everyone I cared about moved out. My collaborators are scattered and tied up with other projects, I had no one else to work with. So I started trying to articulate my feelings with lyrics and ideas that were probably going to fall face flat. I didn't care. I needed a reason, to keep me away from making the choice to end it all.
I admit, I had thoughts, in passing to end it all. After being told I couldn't get back to school and also I was dropped out via paperwork technicalities, I stopped caring. Just another lie to tell I thought. But there were moments where I asked myself what would happen if I didn't exist.
It wasn't fair. Seeing friends succeed like crazy. And I, the one who was there for everyone, instead...was out in the cold. Watching on the outside.
The birthday, the cake, all came and went. Feeling a little better, but still with demons that were long reigning inside of me.
March 2013: Movement
March wasn't a bad month. March was good for the most part. The end of the downward spiral seemingly arrived and I was finally getting somewhere with all of this. Music gradually opened doors again. I hung out with friends more, and finally felt better about myself.
Jobs were tough to find. Really tough. But I was getting some moments here and there. My perception of myself began to shape up a lot more, and I was feeling a bit more OK with all that happened.
It felt like I was going to be normal again, it really did.
April 2013: The End of Illusions
It was at this point where I finally surveyed the damage committed to my soul and psyche during these few months and I saw something terrible. I realized that I had derailed a ton of things on account of my depression, and in a way, reset my life to zero.
I had dreams of doing shows, open mics, getting an interview show on YouTube going, and just keeping it moving...but it all stopped. Dead in it's tracks.
Having to hit the reset switch twice in 2 years really got to me. And at 25, doing that, it makes it worse.
I was back to that place, albeit in a shallow area and trying not to tear my hair out from anger.
I kept on looking at where I was a year ago and where I was at the moment. It drove me nuts. Incredible...how does one lose it all in the space of one year.
Things start to stall with this project I try to get going. No communication for weeks at a time...it's like a joke, which I hope is my assumption.
It was then, that I broke down, I realized how unsustainable my lifestyle was. How I became the damn thing I hated: the hometown bum who can't leave, and can't be who he wants.
The illusion faded. No more tight-rope act.
May 2013: Kick To The Nuts
So here I am, writing this, falling into the abyss. Friends are leaving, projects are dying or on the verge, I'm probably not going to live my dreams as a music person, and I'm going to lose. It hurts... I wish it would stop.
Gave up on God, and quit lying to people. They want me to come back but I'm done. So many times I can call holy 911 and hear silence and fake reassurance before I stop caring.
May 18th, 19th and 20th is the reset. Start over, and have to endure the pain of not graduating till 2014...all because of one point. ONE POINT. Without the friends, without the motivation, just the hate and despair to make me believe.
I hate this. I really do.
There's a reason for all of this. I wrote to explain what has happened to me, how I became a recluse. And how it's no longer easy for me to be who I was, how at 25, with nothing, I have to deal with it, no more illusions, just a reality.
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