I was pretty sure that today would be the day, the culmination of a grand comeback from heartbreak, depression, loneliness, and self-destruction, talking about the victory of how I overcame all the bullshit, all the drama and finally finally got the last demon out of my soul.
My friends, God bless them, also believed this. My parents believed this, their friends believed this.
My classmates believed this. And so did I.
I'm here to tell you that it's all a lie, a joke, a travesty. I'm not the victorious person I dream of being, but instead a misguided loser, a poor sucker who cannot get the woman of his dreams to feel the same way, who can't make his own hobbies come to life without destroying all around him.
I failed. Once again. And now it's over, all of it is. Fitting end.
The worst part is looking everyone in their eyes and telling them I failed. Either I betray everyone's trust and lie about graduating for the rest of my life, or let them down by being real with them.
I'm just going to sit down, play Xbox, drink soda, watch TV and completely give up on this school thing. It just didn't work...it really didn't.
At least I have the high of feeling like I graduated to get me past the next day or so. Something tells me my music is going to get a lot more vicious, and perhaps uglier. I need an outlet, and a friend to talk to.
One of those won't happen.
-signing out-
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
The Things You'll Miss: 5 years in the rearview
All I can think about is how much I'll miss people around here.
How much I'll miss my home away from home, WDJM. How it was in the many moments of instability, a rock that I could anchor to and feel good there.
How much I'll miss my friends who while the faces have come and gone, it's been the constant at the station. Always great to see someone need help and set them right.
How much I'll miss WDJM being a practice space. Albeit a shifty one, but a fun time every Thursday night with Laura, Brett, and Niko and Ari.
How much I'll miss the times I hung out in the cafe, talking sports with Ryan and Jeff before their show. And making references to the Vince Lombardi quotes (What the hell's going on out here?). And meeting up with Ari in the morning, putting a smile on my face.
How much I'll miss my roomies and neighbors. The best was without a doubt, Horace Mann 2009. All gamers, all nerds, and all Rockband fans. Interdorm Halo and RockBand games....perfection.
How much I'll miss Random Jam. My second home away from home. Without a suggestion from Mike, I'd had never met some awesome people.
How much I'll miss the Gatepost peeps. Spencer and Tom, all of us working the Sammy Adams show. And becoming really good friends afterwards.
How much I'll miss my collaborators. Evan, Meghan, and a host of others.
How much I'll miss comm arts classes.
How much I'll miss just about everything... it's rough to peace out, again.
But the really amazing thing is that 3 years ago, this was a fuzzy tunnel. A paincave. Wandering further down it, unable to get out, following a light that should have led me to a new land, but all it did was climb away and blow up the cave, with me in it.
3 years later, here I am. Alive and kicking, with a tireless grind, lust for life, a resilient trust system that will forgive but not be used and abuse, a reason to fight, an endgoal, a hobby that is really going places, and surrounded by those who care and appreciate.
It's been real Framingham. See you all sometime (unless you're in my band...see you real soon in that case)
How much I'll miss my home away from home, WDJM. How it was in the many moments of instability, a rock that I could anchor to and feel good there.
How much I'll miss my friends who while the faces have come and gone, it's been the constant at the station. Always great to see someone need help and set them right.
How much I'll miss WDJM being a practice space. Albeit a shifty one, but a fun time every Thursday night with Laura, Brett, and Niko and Ari.
How much I'll miss the times I hung out in the cafe, talking sports with Ryan and Jeff before their show. And making references to the Vince Lombardi quotes (What the hell's going on out here?). And meeting up with Ari in the morning, putting a smile on my face.
How much I'll miss my roomies and neighbors. The best was without a doubt, Horace Mann 2009. All gamers, all nerds, and all Rockband fans. Interdorm Halo and RockBand games....perfection.
How much I'll miss Random Jam. My second home away from home. Without a suggestion from Mike, I'd had never met some awesome people.
How much I'll miss the Gatepost peeps. Spencer and Tom, all of us working the Sammy Adams show. And becoming really good friends afterwards.
How much I'll miss my collaborators. Evan, Meghan, and a host of others.
How much I'll miss comm arts classes.
How much I'll miss just about everything... it's rough to peace out, again.
But the really amazing thing is that 3 years ago, this was a fuzzy tunnel. A paincave. Wandering further down it, unable to get out, following a light that should have led me to a new land, but all it did was climb away and blow up the cave, with me in it.
3 years later, here I am. Alive and kicking, with a tireless grind, lust for life, a resilient trust system that will forgive but not be used and abuse, a reason to fight, an endgoal, a hobby that is really going places, and surrounded by those who care and appreciate.
It's been real Framingham. See you all sometime (unless you're in my band...see you real soon in that case)
Endgame Week Part 3: Untitled
The day starts normally. Wake up, get dressed. Lounge in bed. Surf the web.
Head downstairs, get something to eat (today I had to make French Toast and it was GOOD!)... listen to CDs and warm up the car. Today's the last day.
Driving down the road, pick my parking spot, hitch a ride on the RamTram. Get on campus. Head straight to class...which may have not be the right choice but it was a break in tradition.
Make it to class, my classmates are there, and we're all enjoying ourselves. Chilling and relaxing while a lively discussion goes on about happiness. How people get it. Which is weird.
Make sure to talk to my friend Jared about a few things, and also thank him for all he's done to help me in WDJM and Random Jam. A handshake and a wave and it's off to the last class of the day.
My professor is animated. Lively, funny and relaxed. A good way to end the last lecture of the semester and my college career.
See my friend Mike at the cafe, say hi, tell him I'm gone and shake his hand. As always.
Making tracks to my car, and I think it all hit me, that it was really over. Wow. This was all over. In my car, and my drive-off music was Underoath. What a way to end it.
Get home, and excitingly cheer about how it's all over with the shouting, class is done, school's out for-ever.
It was all perfect. Too perfect.
Get inside, put my bags down. Check my computer, my facebook and there was the tipping point. Shooting in CT. Kids dead all over.
Kept a tight lip about it save for my cover-all statement about caskets and soapboxes. Spend the rest of the afternoon reflecting on that and also learning Deftones finally rescheduled for March 5th...a week after my birthday. Word up.
In the meantime, it hit me that the shooting could've happened...and my mom could've been caught in the crossfire if it went down at her workplace. Realizing this, I hug her as soon as she comes home.
It was an interesting night, just playing Xbox all relaxed and calm and all that. Avoiding TV and media over-obsession.
Then later on in the night, after importing footage, I hear even more bad news, that someone on my campus died today too.
It's weird that my professor talked about happiness in class today. Like some massive juxtaposition a la the Godfather's climatic sequence. One thing said overlayed with the opposite. Like...whoa.
Happiness. Amongst the background of death, chaos and misery. What a way to end this chapter of my life... you can't write this type of story. No you can't. Absolutely not.
It's a tough scenario. Really tough. You want to be happy about how you have finally, after so many years, done it. But in light of it all, do you really dare show a face of joy when everyone else doesn't?
All lies in the circumstance. I'll publish a second, retrospective post eventually. Maybe tonight...but not published till next week.
Head downstairs, get something to eat (today I had to make French Toast and it was GOOD!)... listen to CDs and warm up the car. Today's the last day.
Driving down the road, pick my parking spot, hitch a ride on the RamTram. Get on campus. Head straight to class...which may have not be the right choice but it was a break in tradition.
Make it to class, my classmates are there, and we're all enjoying ourselves. Chilling and relaxing while a lively discussion goes on about happiness. How people get it. Which is weird.
Make sure to talk to my friend Jared about a few things, and also thank him for all he's done to help me in WDJM and Random Jam. A handshake and a wave and it's off to the last class of the day.
My professor is animated. Lively, funny and relaxed. A good way to end the last lecture of the semester and my college career.
See my friend Mike at the cafe, say hi, tell him I'm gone and shake his hand. As always.
Making tracks to my car, and I think it all hit me, that it was really over. Wow. This was all over. In my car, and my drive-off music was Underoath. What a way to end it.
Get home, and excitingly cheer about how it's all over with the shouting, class is done, school's out for-ever.
It was all perfect. Too perfect.
Get inside, put my bags down. Check my computer, my facebook and there was the tipping point. Shooting in CT. Kids dead all over.
Kept a tight lip about it save for my cover-all statement about caskets and soapboxes. Spend the rest of the afternoon reflecting on that and also learning Deftones finally rescheduled for March 5th...a week after my birthday. Word up.
In the meantime, it hit me that the shooting could've happened...and my mom could've been caught in the crossfire if it went down at her workplace. Realizing this, I hug her as soon as she comes home.
It was an interesting night, just playing Xbox all relaxed and calm and all that. Avoiding TV and media over-obsession.
Then later on in the night, after importing footage, I hear even more bad news, that someone on my campus died today too.
It's weird that my professor talked about happiness in class today. Like some massive juxtaposition a la the Godfather's climatic sequence. One thing said overlayed with the opposite. Like...whoa.
Happiness. Amongst the background of death, chaos and misery. What a way to end this chapter of my life... you can't write this type of story. No you can't. Absolutely not.
It's a tough scenario. Really tough. You want to be happy about how you have finally, after so many years, done it. But in light of it all, do you really dare show a face of joy when everyone else doesn't?
All lies in the circumstance. I'll publish a second, retrospective post eventually. Maybe tonight...but not published till next week.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Endgame Week Part 2: But I Still Won't Let You Pass Me
OK,
today was one of those days where something happens and changes the outlook of the entire day. i'll paint the scene.
bio class ends, the final lesson for the semester is done, and one of my lab classmates, rows above me, has a seizure.
it was a scary scene. just seeing her head roll back, lifelessly for a moment, was harrowing. like seeing death.
not being able to do a thing is the worst part of it. thank goodness my classmates handled it with poise. proud of them.
today was one of those days where something happens and changes the outlook of the entire day. i'll paint the scene.
bio class ends, the final lesson for the semester is done, and one of my lab classmates, rows above me, has a seizure.
it was a scary scene. just seeing her head roll back, lifelessly for a moment, was harrowing. like seeing death.
not being able to do a thing is the worst part of it. thank goodness my classmates handled it with poise. proud of them.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Endgame Week Part 1
So this is it. Man.
I can't believe I'll be peacing out in a week and 2 days. I'm going to miss everyone, especially my band mates....
The nature of the beast yo. Just a whirlwind of emotions. Trying to hang on to them all.
Staying cool about it, but also embracing the end. Ironically, my friend Shana will be there tomorrow...kinda a loopback to the past, being 1 year ago.
Keep calm and get out of Dodge. Got it.
I can't believe I'll be peacing out in a week and 2 days. I'm going to miss everyone, especially my band mates....
The nature of the beast yo. Just a whirlwind of emotions. Trying to hang on to them all.
Staying cool about it, but also embracing the end. Ironically, my friend Shana will be there tomorrow...kinda a loopback to the past, being 1 year ago.
Keep calm and get out of Dodge. Got it.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
9-5
I've played myself out in a good way. Public Enemy with Danny was a well needed night of laughter, vents, and looking back at our friendship.
Then of course, came the show. Not performing wasn't as bad as I thought. Mainly because my friends did a great job, especially Remember the Grass People and Tall Boys. Man, that was something else. And passing a quiz on no sleep? Word the hell up.
Tuesday was long but good as well.
So here we are, the last few days of school and so damn close to graduating. I'm amazed at how much I'll miss people around here....well socially. Academically...NOPE.
Next week Isettle all family business wrap up loose ends. Remembering to say goodbye and keeping the bridge open for the future, that's how I do what I do.
Then of course, came the show. Not performing wasn't as bad as I thought. Mainly because my friends did a great job, especially Remember the Grass People and Tall Boys. Man, that was something else. And passing a quiz on no sleep? Word the hell up.
Tuesday was long but good as well.
So here we are, the last few days of school and so damn close to graduating. I'm amazed at how much I'll miss people around here....well socially. Academically...NOPE.
Next week I
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