blowing up the last bridge into town

the past week may have convinced me that staying around northborough is not worth it.

work was a drag and a joke, working for 9 bucks pushing carts and dealing with dumb customers all day long. i have the feeling 3 months can become 3 years. and by then i'll be 30.

that's what scares me the most. the fact i could be 30 years old, secure, and living in the reality that my dream slipped away when i finally made strides to reach it.

and then, it only got worse. my dad and i got into an argument. about a show.

he wanted me to stay home and i told him i had already bought the ticket. i knew the risks involved and he was so trying to scare me out of going...into something i planned 21 days, a month even on going to, and this all came to a head.

he decided to mock me. saying i controlled all this stuff. i yelled at him to stop. he snapped.

i then told him quite frankly he was acting stupid. and then it got scary. he flew into a rage and kicked the doggy fence over. screamed at me to leave. in 0 degree weather. he was willing to have me die just to prove his point. at this point i sensed whatever bridge we had is dead. or dying.

my mom stayed out of it, but he had just fucking lost it.

i just sat there and calmly told him i wasn't leaving. he eventually backed down. and i for those 5 minutes, calmed down and used every inch of my retail-grade patience to de-nuke the situation.

it was just like a customer at BJs.

and now i'm sitting here, unable to sleep, holding back tears, mainly because i sense this was the end. or the fast-path to the end. i saw the devil in my dad's eyes.

the funny thing about this shit...there's a half-doggy fence up right now, the other half is on the ground. a metaphor. how about that.

Pattern Recognition

I caught on to something a few nights ago. I looked back at all my behaviors and actions over the past year, and then looked at my facebook posts from a year ago, and saw something really interesting but also horrifying as well.

It was the underlying thread for all my actions. The desire for companionship. For years I've desired to do it alone, to not depend on others to get things done, to control everything I could. 2014 was an eye-opener in how badly this attempt failed. And I didn't know it.

Seeing all that I tried to do/did in the past year was compelling because it showed a subconscious pattern in play, that being, my itch to do something with someone other than myself. In love, in work and in play, everything was building off a primal desire to not be alone anymore.  I didn't even understand all of this because I thought "there's no way" and "it's too coincidental" but it made sense...I think it was augmented by my brother moving out and leaving me a single resident for a long time.

And then I dug deeper, to further understand why I move like I do. It hit me, but a lot harder. I had been moving in circles for years now, going from optimism to attempt to re-try to failing to doing it all over again. And again, I was oblivious to all of this. It was an eyeopener. The realization I had gone in circles and essentially entered an infinite loop.

So this is where I break those patterns and re-write the ending. Or fail trying.

Desire to Leave

So i'm sitting here, getting ready to go to work again, with a lot on my mind. One of the things I'm thinking about is...relocating.

After doing searches in MA for jobs, I found that there's little to stay around for. A lot of stuff is retail. Something I'm trying to escape. The media jobs are locked with experience requirements that make getting a job harder than it should be. So by the time I get that experience, i'll be 30 something and still working in retail, with crazy hours, and dwindling ambitions off in the distance, lost after realizing I would never have the time to chase them and moving on in a silent form of defeat.

I also narrowed down the fact I've only regularly seen about 8-10 friends since leaving college. Meg, Jd, Mike, James, Lizi, and a few others...so moving wouldn't do much, I would lose those people but maybe it's negligible, I dunno. There's a lot of things to decide on but I know what I want.

I want to be able to have a set weekly schedule, so I can have a rhythm in 4/4, not a rhythm that changes like a bad mathcore band. I want to be able to build off that, so I know I have this amount of time for these tasks and I can act accordingly. I want to earn more than 10 bucks an hour, to have health care, to have benefits, all of that right off the bat. I'd love to not have to play translator for people who can't speak the language.

I want to be able to run with my dreams and not have to sideline them because of inconsistent hours or going sleepless to make them feasible.

I feel that moving out of the state into a better job market makes chances of that being a reality more likely. So figure it out.