October - The Most God-Awful of Starts
For all intents and purposes, I was somewhat struggling in my 3rd year in college, handing school barely, staying up late, procrastinating, and holding steady without a dime in my pocket. It sucked at times, but then again, video games did help me a little bit along the way. I can still vividly remember that October day where it all began....
Late to lab by about an hour and in a panic, I run down to the building, get in, sit down, teacher pulls me aside. I assume lateness, and it was for that....but that would be the least of my worries.
I was failing the class. Badly. Eeek. I was panicked, because I needed to pass both classes to get the credits (lab and lecture) and I was losing in both. Awful way to start.
After class, I was sitting at the commuter cafe, devastated. And then I posted a Facebook status, declaring that I wanted out...but not explictly.
I kept in on the hush, and to me it was awful, just a hellish beginning that was only going to get worse as things went on. However, much like anything in life...there was more, a lot more.
I kept in on the hush, and to me it was awful, just a hellish beginning that was only going to get worse as things went on. However, much like anything in life...there was more, a lot more.
November - Man Up and Come Clean/Love Story
Essentially, I was crumbling downwards. A long list of failures in life were taking their tolls on me, and all the meanwhile, I had made the dumb mistake of falling in love with someone. At the time...it wasn't bad at all, it was more or less, confiding in someone and by nature, getting closer and closer to going to the next level.
From "acquaintances" to "friends" to "collaborators" to "close friends" . It was a slow game of chess, making moves and also playing defense to avoid screwing it all up. I have to admit, as times got bad, I turned to her. Trusted her, told her just about everything. It was like having the older sister I never had.
I slowly let on to people I was going through shit. Not completely...but I told a few close people I trusted and respected that I was on my way out this semester. The real test was telling Mom and Dad.
I knew that by telling them I was gone after the year ended, I would make an already awful situation even worse, by adding the flammable liquid of family to my own personal flame of frustrations. I was somewhat surprised by how my parents were split. Mom was panicked, Dad was understanding but cautious. I was crashing down, and going home was not helping.
The arguments about having a life gameplan laid out fucking pissed me off, more than anything. My plan was to take it one step at a time...they wanted 20 years planned out. I wasn't ready to give them an answer so far in advance, because I knew that things will and can change, so seriously, why plan that extensively?
It was bad. Really bad. I felt so alone at that time, and yet, I didn't cry. I kept the shit together for as long as I could stand it. If I was going to go out, I'd go out like a man, I'd be damned if I showed all of my cards and let everyone know how I totally felt.
December - Off Into the Darkness
The writing was on the wall, and my time was up. I knew I was leaving, I knew this was over...but I knew that I still was in love with this girl, and for that reason, I didn't want to lose her to save myself. I was torn in pieces...save myself, lose the girl I loved or stay with the girl I loved, watch myself fall even further, and put her through more hell than she deserved. I made what in backwards thinking would be considered a horrible mistake....I decided to ask her out, in my fractured state.
To this day, I don't know if what I did tore us apart, or something like that. She was caught off-guard...and I was off-guard too, because my gameplan was forced to adapt. I caved and told her how I felt and she understood...that was enough to tell me that things would work out. Enough to make me believe that I still had hope.for this to work out.
Academically, my life was also in shambles. 2 classes failed, 2 classes barely passed. And heading home to deal with the consequences after I calmed down. Holding it all together was rough, late night conversations and falling asleep to DVD's on my Xbox every night was helpful to keep me from losing it entirely.
But one day, I did break down, on the last day. Went to a bridge and cried my eyes out for a good 5-10 minutes, and it was well needed. I said my goodbyes, thanked the people who helped me along the way, and packed for home. It was like shell-shock...nothing felt real for a few days. Just a cold dark feeling that I fucked up my life, but I saved myself...or so I thought.
But one day, I did break down, on the last day. Went to a bridge and cried my eyes out for a good 5-10 minutes, and it was well needed. I said my goodbyes, thanked the people who helped me along the way, and packed for home. It was like shell-shock...nothing felt real for a few days. Just a cold dark feeling that I fucked up my life, but I saved myself...or so I thought.
January- New Year, Stuck Here
Now this is where it starts to get weird. Or twisted. The girl I was speaking about, she stopped talking to me. Paranoia came down in waves, and I was wondering what did I do for this to happen. I kept on wondering for weeks, for months, and I gave up, only to try again.
The depression began to make itself known around this time, as days would be lonely and empty, playing video games, not caring about putting things back together. I wanted to lose myself, disappear for a bit, but I couldn't do it... every time I came home, everything would still be there. It was like life in a minimum security prison.... free to leave but not free to leave completely.
Along the way, I started to do more musically than ever, much to the chagrin of my family. The disturbing visual of me in my sleep clothes on the couch, playing video games when everyone else came home from work/school began to create tension. Serious tension that would build....into something much worse.
Along the way, I started to do more musically than ever, much to the chagrin of my family. The disturbing visual of me in my sleep clothes on the couch, playing video games when everyone else came home from work/school began to create tension. Serious tension that would build....into something much worse.
February- Birthday
I think it was slowly becoming obvious that I needed to see/be around friends again. My misery was starting to extend itself, my problems were not going away, I needed to fix things and quickly. Having a birthday party was helpful, it gave me a boost of sorts after feeling like garbage over the past 3 months, I needed to smile again, feel like I'm good at something for once. Though I knew nothing lasts forever, I knew it was going to help, because I was going to need it.
March/April - Fall Right Into The Hole
So spring begins, I'm at home, still hoping to get a job, and that's when the offers to go back to college began. I hated it. I wanted nothing to do with school, seeing I had left 3 months earlier...and going right back would've shown something.
That I failed. I failed in getting my shit together, failed in fixing everything, failed without school.
It was eating me inside. Arguments get heated, I wind up leaving home knowing deep down inside, my family resented the stigmata of "college dropout 1st born son" hanging over 2 college graduates, a son in college, a daughter en route to college...and they wanted me to fall in line, but they would never admit it. I hated it. This, the fact I was jobless, the fact that my dream of getting an education for music production was impossible, and the fact that I was slowly losing the girl I loved to someone else. Rough times indeed. More long nights, peppered in with some good moments here and there, which I needed. I needed momentum to get positive again.
May - The Point In The Story Where I Tried To Write A Happy Ending...
Graduation comes around, and I decide to go visit some old friends. My roomie from freshman year, fitting closure, as his last day ends with me, just like the first day started with me, my old bandmates (well, 2 of them) and a couple stragglers from the station. And of course, her.
If I was writing a novel, this would be a happy ending. Sunsets, closure, and the fact I was seeing a lot of people one last time. It felt right. It felt like I was finally going to put it all together again...till June rolled around.
June- ...not before life decides to throw a curve and rewrite the ending
Probably the worst month for me overall. Seriously. A near job falls through, frustration builds, and oh yes, my best friend decides to pull the rug out from under me.
Let's start with my best friend here. She and I took one more picture together. I made a mistake, I got in the other pictures with her friends by accident, I didn't know if they were shooting, but they were. She finds out and next thing I know, she's blocked me. From everything.
Nervous as what to do next, I do the only thing I can do: nothing. Nothing at all. Let it eat me up everyday, and not say one damn word negative to anyone about her. Nothing at all, I was going to take the most painful heartbreak ever and sit with it for eternity. Parts of me want to tell her, "hey, fuck you." Parts of me want to tell her. "Look, I don't know what happened, I'm sorry...". Parts of me hates it all and would love nothing more than to find a girl to replace her, take her spot, fill the void.
Then I realized I was the crazy one. I needed help. But I took a vow of silence...not one word to anyone. No one was going to know, there would be no fights, no wars, nothing. It was over, dead, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
In this pain-ridden state, I got a job driving around the state delivering phone books. it paid...not enough, but the money was good enough to buy things that would help me get rid of all the pain. not drugs, but activities to get me back on my feet, meeting people again, hopefully finding another girl, hopefully finding a replacement.
It still gets me. When I get lonely, I think about her. And realize she's gone. Someday, we'll be friends again....someday.
July - The Decision
I was adamant, I wanted to live without school. I wanted to live my life free and working, making money, and doing music...screw education. Then, I caved for one second. And they got me. They got me... and I hated it. I let my decision making get compromised and they capitalized.
They being "my parent's wishes for college return". I hated myself for it. Still do. Just when I write about it. Even my dad taking me to Friendly's afterwards didn't feel right. It all felt forced, not meant to happen. But you never know, I guess.
August - Best. Month. Ever.
August 1st, I had a simple plan: See either WWE, PE, and/or UFC. 1 out of 3. I got lucky....and saw all 3. And I met some peeps, cool friends, fellow musicians, wrestling fans, and cool people...along with people who didn't speak English at work. I'd say it was a great August, not a normal one, but a great one....and that helped a lot with going back. More than you could ever know. I needed this... for myself.
Conclusion
I guess this was like death and rebirth here. I died last year, got reborn in the summer, and here I am. It's so different.... but oh so welcome.
