49-46

Is this real? Am I 45 days from the last day of classes and the end of college?

It's too good to be true. And I guess my grades will remind me of that. Oy vei.

Anyway, the past few days have been more calm and more to my liking, if not trying at times and agonizing at worst.

Today was one of them. I was starting with total confusion: are Meghan and I jamming tonight, where is the jam room key, and what the hell is going on this weekend?

Exiting with most of them solved. And a good jam session as well. But alas, to keep balance, more questions raised.

Exam #2 is next week. Following a radio show, following WWE 13, following Deftones, following a family weekend that could not have come at a more inconvenient time. I need to rest. This is the opposite.

And then there's the wild card: Tropical Storm Sandy possibly throwing a wrench into the plans and ruining the early week by knocking out power and communication at home, leading me elsewhere. If that's possible.

I'm screwed.

52-50

The surreal sense of it all. 50 days left to go before the last day of classes. And here I am in a weird situation, both the passenger and the driver.

Right now I'm experiencing the best creative burst of my life. Music is finally getting to full speed, and photography is too. Becoming more and more proficient with every shoot I do, and getting more and more attention. I'm almost amazed at how well my shots are received.

In terms of relationships, I'm getting closer and closer to finally telling the girl I like how I really feel about her. I've had a hunch she's a magical person and with every day/week, it only gets more and more true. Example: I was having a rotten day at school this week and she comes by out of the blue, I didn't expect it. But with a quick 5 minute conversation, my mood changed. It became damn obvious to me that she's the special person that I've been looking for.

I'm a guy who believes in gut feelings dictating how I act and react and I believe that this is evidence positive she's that person.

However, I'm worried about possibly jeopardizing our music careers/hobbies with a crush. So much danger to weight and comprehend.

And speaking of, I'm pretty sure my college career is in that case too. Bio lecture is hell and a half. Have no clue what my grade is in that class, and I'm feeling that my parent's panic is turning my own problem into one with social interest and investment. It's like being a driver in a car, blowing a red light and then having the backseat drivers overtake the car.

I care, but not to the point where I let something I hate dictate every single fucking things I do. It got to a boiling point when I tell my dad about my tickets to Deftones on the 29th, and then the freaking out about how I'm not able to go to that, go to school and be attentive.

For the love of God. A little trust and thought would help here but I guess that's too much to ask. It feels like I went to bed 24 and woke up 16 all over again.

I'm getting a little worried. Trying to cope and not let what happened 3 years ago happen again, where friends fuck you over, the girl you love never sees what you try to show her, school destroys and demonizes you and the only thing you do right is the shit that doesn't mean anything.

In the case of shit going bad, I do have a backup plan. Instead of falling to pieces if things break down, the plan will be to discuss the end with my close circle of friends and keep it a secret to everyone else. Will it hurt? Yes. I know but I need to carry that scar.

Mixing the chemicals right,because there is no safety from here on out. But a promise and a helping hand will be all I need.

62-53

It's all coming to a head. My failing grades are forcing my parent's hands and creating a very tense landscape where everyone is tripping over each other to make something work.

Also, the band is coming alive too. Within 3 days, I got two people to confirm they were in. This never happens.

All I know is that if I still exist and somehow pass my class, I'll be golden.

I hope.

71-63

Wow, so it's down to the last 63 days of college. While I have a ton of nerves going into the bio course and if i will pass it, I do have some good vibes about music, about photos, about my emotional state, about where I'm headed.

It's great. Feels good man.

78-72

I think the irons may have cooled in terms of falling in love. Not sure if good or bad.

And now, back to panicking over Biology. Toodles.